DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION

Have you noticed how crazy-distracted we are living today? (You may have been too distracted to notice it!) We are losing the power to focus and follow through, and what a loss that is!

I’m reading Daniel Goleman’s new book, “Focus: the Hidden Driver of Excellence.” Goleman, as you probably know, is the emotional intelligence guru. He says that the inability to focus is significantly diminishing our ability to accomplish meaningful things in life; indeed, diminishing our ability to enjoy life.

Consider these facts…

1. “Digital engagement” comes at the sacrifice of face time interaction. Our kids are growing up in a world in which they are more attached to machines than to people. This actually robs them of the brain development that comes through contact and conversations with other humans. For example, they may experience deficits throughout life in the ability to read and respond to emotions in faces. (No, emoticons are not equivalent.)

2. The speed at which we switch around from sight to sight, sound to sound, and message to message digitally does not train anyone well for the concentration and follow-through needed to see a task through to the end, to learn, to “read deeply,” to create.

3. Thinking and “speaking” in short, choppy, 140-character messages does not prepare you or condition you for the deep conversations and mutual focus that are required for genuine relationships or effective problem-solving.

4. We get irritated if a video or a sales presentation is more than a couple of minutes, and we won’t even turn it on if it’s over five. What does this paucity of digested information (ironically, within an ocean of potential information) do to the quality of decisions we make?

5. Relationships of all kinds – romantic, work, and friendship – are in jeopardy because individuals cannot focus even for a few minutes without giving an “away” gesture – checking the phone, responding to a text, looking at Facebook. Away messages say, “I’m not interested in you. Other things or people are more important.”

What prices are we paying for the habits of distraction and only partial attention? Lack of ability to focus robs us of accomplishment, emotional nourishment, and quality relationships.

It’s not worth it. Turn off the TV. Shut down the computer. Turn off the phone.

If it’s important, it’s worth your full and undivided attention.

(If you want to consider further the power of focus from a Christian spiritual perspective, visit my other blog, Dr. Bev’s New Morning Devotionals, at http://www.drbevsmallwood.com/newmorning.)

HOW TO DEAL WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSON

Today, we look together at another style of conflict that can make a relationship difficult if you don’t know how to deal with it. For me, one of the “trickiest” styles of conflict to deal with the passive-aggressive style.

This is a person who pretends to be on board with you, but who expresses displeasure in underhanded ways. Examples of this are talking behind your back, sarcasm, “kidding in earnest” (i.e., pretending to be joking, but really not kidding about the negativity), deliberately withholding or delaying to get under your skin, or back-stabbing. When you confront the behavior, this individual always has a way of pretending that you are imagining things. “Good grief, I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?” “Oh, heavens no, that wasn’t on purpose that you didn’t get what you needed from me, and you got in trouble with the boss. I’ve been buried in work, and it just slipped my mind.” (You get the picture.)

So what if you find yourself having to work with or relate with a passive-aggressive person? This can be a toughie, but here are a few tips that may help.

1.Utilize strategies for “Avoidant” style.

If you missed the previous Shrink Rap post on this topic, go back and read the blog just before this one. There I detail some of the “why’s” of the strategies, and the same ones may be helpful for working with the passive-aggressive person. After all, passive-aggressive behavior is also an avoidant style. It involves not dealing with the issues directly and respectfully, but instead “acting it out” while wearing the mask of pretend happiness and fake positive relationships.

2.Ask this person for improvement ideas.

The individual may be denying dissatisfaction when asked directly, but don’t push the confrontation about the inappropriate and veiled hostility. No admission would probably be forthcoming anyway. So instead, create an opportunity for feedback by letting the person know that you are looking for ways to improve _X__ project or to improve yourself. By giving this opportunity, you may be able to defuse the unspoken anger.

3.Do not allow yourself to get into a power struggle with this individual.

Passive-aggressive individuals usually like to get a rise out of you. But resist the temptation to get in an argument or power struggle with this person. You won’t win.

4.Do not allow the passive-aggressive behavior to get under your skin.

“Don’t let them see you sweat.” When behavior manages to get a visible rise out of you, the behavior has been rewarded and reinforced. Whenever possible, ignore it. Don’t play the game by showing any visible reaction.

5.Deal with the iritating behavior as behavior with a practical impact.

Avoid the temptation to assign malevolent motives (e.g., “I think you’re trying to get me upset!”) They can rightfully argue with you that you do not have the power to read minds. Instead, when you do give feedback, use 4 steps:
1) Describe the behavior that’s been occurring.
2) Tell how that behavior is creating a problem.
3) Request specific change, engaging the person in problem-solving to define the future changes.
4) End on a positive note, telling how the change will help and thanking the person.

6.If (when) the person denies a problem, gently point out inconsistencies in what is being said and what is being done.

Do this kindly and tactfully. Do not slide into an argumentative and confrontational mode.

Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is typically because of stored anger. When possible, welcome opportunities to talk about the issues which may be at the root of the problem. Also remember that this may not be about you at all, and that these individuals may be angry at people from childhood or their current life – not you. You can still try to make the present more pleasant by following the steps we’ve just discussed.

What strategies have you found to work best when dealing with passive-aggressive people?

HOW TO DEAL WITH AN AVOIDANT PERSON

Some people deal with conflict by not dealing with it. They hold back their thoughts, opinions, and feelings in an attempt to “keep the peace.”

The first problem with this approach is, it doesn’t keep the peace at all, long-term. Either resentments fester and eventually explode, or they fester and the distance and detachment grow. None of these options bode well for truly harmonious and peaceful relationships.

The second problem is the challenge it presents for the person who is relating with the conflict avoider. Conflict avoiders tend to be “nice people,” which can lull you into a false sense of security. You can be going along assuming all is well, when it is anything but. This limits the connection and closeness of the relationship because too much is rumbling under the surface.

If you are in a work (or personal) relationship with someone who avoids talking about things that bother him or her, use the following tips to invite them to bring their thoughts and ideas to the table.

1.Encourage and create opportunities for suggestions and feedback.

In the workplace, create a time space for sharing ideas. This helps stimulate discussion in the spirit of brainstorming what’s working well along with how things can be improved.

2.Talk about how feedback helps you.

Most people who struggle with conflict avoidance do so in order not to “hurt your feelings.” Reframe this by letting the person know that you want and appreciate feedback, for it helps you become a better (boss, team member, husband, wife, friend). “I need your help.”

3.Observe the person’s nonverbals and changes in normal patterns.

If you want to communicate with this individual about things that matter or on issues which you differ, become a keen observer. If he/she becomes quieter, more irritable, more detached, or more “absent,” this can be your clue that “something’s going on.” Don’t jump to the conclusion that this behavior change is something about you, but use your observations as a stimulus for conversation about whatever is causing the change in nonverbal or verbal behavior.

4.Share in a non-threatening tone your observations and your concerns.

In a gentle tone, mention the changes you’ve observed, along with the approximate time frame in which you noticed the changes. “I’m concerned; you just don’t seem yourself. I’m wondering what’s on your mind and if I’m somehow involved in what is bothering you? If so, I’d like to know so that we have an opportunity to fix it.”

5.“Normalize” the fact of irritations and conflicts.

“Normalizing” encourages and “gives permission” for the person to talk by indicating that all people have things that bother them, and in all relationships, people have different opinions and ways of doing things. State that talking about these things respectfully helps, not hurts.

6.Respond positively when the avoidant person risks sharing.

This is a big one. In my clinical office, I often see why the person has been avoiding conflict. When he/she does speak up, the other person responds with defensiveness, blame, or anger. So much for that! Remember, behavior that gets rewarded, gets repeated. When the peace-keeping person takes the risk to speak up, genuinely thank him/her for sharing their thoughts. Then go to work figuring out together how to resolve the issue.

7.Prevent problems by not taking this person for granted.

An avoidant person is prone to “take and take,” than feel used. Again, do not assume that no complaints means the individual is doing just fine. Go out of your way to show real appreciation. Notice the things this person does well; don’t just dismiss it as, “Well, that’s what she’s supposed to do.” Watch your words and manner with a conflict avoider. This is an indivudual who is likely to feel harshness more acutely than the average person.

One last caution on this: I have observed time and again that conflict avoiders do tend to go along to get along for a long time. Then, when they’re through, they’re through! I’ve helped many a person pick up the pieces when the nice person they thought would always be there has had enough and is G-O-N-E.

In the next post, we’ll explore strategies for dealing with one more conflict style – one of the tougher ones. Are you frustrated with a passive-aggressive person in your life? Then you’d better watch for my next post.

HOW TO DEAL WITH AN AGGRESSIVE PERSON

On my other blog, Dr. Bev’s New Morning Devotionals (September 24 and 25), I published two posts about the spiritual aspects of getting along with others and about dealing with negative people. I invite you to read and reflect on those two messages as background for this series.

In New Morning Devotionals, I promised a series here on Shrink Rap about practical steps for dealing with people with negative conflict styles. Today, let’s talk about how to thrive in an interaction with an outright AGGRESSIVE, hostile individual.

1. Hear the person out. When people are angry, they will be determined to “tell the story.” If you interrupt, they will start over!

2. Keep asking for elaboration and clarification. Rather than yield to the temptation to defend and argue, go against your natural tendency. Ask the person to tell you more about his/her perception of what happened and the feelings about it. Keep actively listening until the “venting” is over or is less intense.

3. Consider taking notes. You have to be a little careful with this one, for it can make a really paranoid and angry person worse. However, if your good judgment says this might be O.K.,the way to do it is to say kindly, “I want to be sure that I understand all about what your concerns are. Do you mind if I take a few notes so that I can remember them?” (In some cases, this slows the intense person down to allow you to take the notes.)

4. Show genuine concern on your face. Your face is a powerful communicator, especially the eyes. While actively listening, look at the person pleasantly and attentively.

5. Keep your voice tone down – even lower than normal. Resist the temptation to get louder to top the yelling person. It’s hard for a person to yell in the presence of someone who is talking softly. Every notice how, when you have laryngitis, at the end of the day, everyone is whispering to you? That’s because of this phenemenon of tending to match the volune of the person with whom you are conversing.

6. Paraphrase and summarize what the person has said. Show that you are trying to understand. “So let me see if I have this right. When ___ happened, you thought ___, and you felt ___. And your main concerns about it are ___. What did I miss?”

7. Do not argue. When people are in aggressive mode, persistent interrupting and arguing will only make them worse.

8. Find as much as possible to agree with; emphasize with the person’s feelings. If you are listening for it, you will find something to agree with. Relate to him/her that you’ve felt that way before, and it wasn’t fun. If you can’t find anything factual to agree with, you can always say, “While I see that situation in a different way, I can understand how you perceived it, and I can see how that would have been upsetting.”

9. Ask if he/she would be willing to hear some additional information that “may give us another part of the total picture.” Here avoid the term “but,” which is an eraser of what the individual just said. The “additional information” approach does not totally discount the views the person has just stated. Substitute the word “and.” “And…here’s another part you may not have been aware of.”

10. Ask what he/she thinks would make the situation better. You’re looking for solutions, and when you are dealing with angry people, it’s better if they feel the outcome honors “their ideas.”

11. Add your suggestions. Do this with words such as, “You’ve talked about some possibilities. Here are a couple of other ones.” Again, stay away from that culprit word, “but.”

12. Negotiate, helping the person and yourself get needs met. The goal is to create an action plan that takes into account the opinions, feelings, and ideas of both people. A one-sided deal is no deal at all.

13. Summarize the action plan. Many walk away from a discussion like this, believing they have resolved a problem. The next day, the person “violates it,” and now the corresponding individual is even more upset. Often the problem is, both walked away from the discussion with their own beliefs about what they heard. They listened for and heard what they wanted to hear. Take the time for both of you to summarize what you are going to do as the result of the discussion.

Tomorrow, I’ll help you with a less verbal kind of “difficult person,” the “Passive” one. In many ways, this type of relationship is even more difficult.

POWER STRUGGLES AND TERRITORY FIGHTS

I made a big mistake a couple of weeks ago. A friend wanted to get rid of her big Yorkie. He was housebroken, kennel-trained, and a cutie pie of a dog. I have “kinda sorta” wanted a dog, though I already have two cats. So I worked out a trial arrangement, which we called “fostering.” I was not sure how my cats, especially the male, would react to a new member of the family.

All my fears were realized. Gracie, my somewhat shy female Himalayan, Gracie, just stayed hidden under the bed or in an obscure corner, a bit traumatized. Poor Gracie! Sugar Bear, my all-male white Persian, was in rare form as the protector of his territory. When he saw the pup in my arms, his back and his ample white fur stood up like a Halloween cat’s. Sugar Bear would walk in circles around his canine intruder like a lion stalking its prey, then he’d pounce like that same big cat. Finally, the doggie got enough of this nonsense and went on the offense, chasing the cats all over the house. It was a mess. Thankfully, the owner found her dog a new loving home, one without the territorial disputes he experienced here.

I couldn’t help thinking about how power struggles and boundary conflicts also create havoc in both homes and workplaces. In the workplace, people get really antsy or angry when someone makes a decision about them without consulting them, or when another individual intrudes on something within their realms of responsibility. At home, the push-pull of territory and power disputes make life – shall we say, “interesting.”

I’ve never forgotten the way a woman described this phenomenon to me many years ago. Her husband worked in a job that took him away from home for months at a time, leaving her to completely manage the house and parent the kids. Then…he’d come home. The way she described it was reminiscent of my experiences in my short-lived stint with the little male dog. She said of her husband, “He’d come in pee-ing on my trees!”

So what’s the message here? One, be sensitive to how your actions may be perceived as “tree-pee-ing.” Don’t unnecessarily assert yourself into other people’s business unless you want to see their hair standing up like Sugar Bear’s. When you have to, do it kindly and with respect for that person’s knowledge and sense of control. Crossing into others’ territory is tricky business!

WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

If you listen closely to the media reports of current events, you can hear some very interesting excuses. The following “stars” took, shall we say, creative license when asked to give account of their behaviors.

Lindsay Lohan has just finished her sixth stint in rehab, and I really hope this time “took.” Unfortunately, her antics up to now have been notorious (and the courts’ disservice to her by letting her off the hook time and again is just as bad). After a 2007 high speed chase after which she was charged with DUI, Lindsey was caught with cocaine, which she claimed was not hers. For good measure, she added, “I don’t even know whose pants these are!”

And then there’s Charlie Sheen, who in 2010 completely wrecked his hotel room at the Plaza Hotel, which he shared with a porn star at the time. His explanation? An allergic reaction to his “medication.” The cocaine in his system apparently was being used for medicinal purposes.

May I say, I have the utmost compassion for people with addictions. Addiction has wrecked many a life and broken the hearts of those who love them. But the extent to which denial manifests could be downright amusing if it were not so sad.

Excuses are also commonplace in our own homes, aren’t they? I remember a story my friends told me about their 2-year-old, Josh. In the middle of that grueling process of potty-training, the babysitter noticed that Josh’s pants were wet. “Josh,” she asked, “did you wet your pants?” Without missing a beat, the toddler replied, “Nope! It wained!”

Denial – it’s rampant.

Whatever happened to foregoing the long explanations about how and why it happened and to acknowledging the facts? Truth: “I knew better, but I told myself I wouldn’t get caught. I thought I could beat the system. I convinced myself the rules did not apply to me.”

When people get into trouble, how many actually genuinely show remorse – not just I’m-sorry-I-got-caught-remorse, but the real deal?

Who simply says from the heart, “I chose to do it, and it was wrong. I am so sorry that I hurt others in the process?”

When do we just get back to accountability and responsibility? And when will we withdraw the pointing fingers and challenge ourselves to personal integrity the next time our behaviors have gotten us in a pickle?

When it comes to abdicating responsibility for our own choices – there’s no excuse for that!

MONICA LEWINSKY… AGAIN? (HOW NOT TO PUT THE PAST BEHIND YOU)

ABC News via Zimbio

Well, it’s been reported that Monica Lewinsky has signed a multi-million-dollar book deal for a tell-all book complete with salacious details about her sexual affair and intimate communications with the then-sitting President Bill Clinton. Apparently the publisher is betting big bucks that “inquiring minds will want to know.” Let’s just say that my own mind is not curious about it, though I’m quite sure that when the book is published, we will be subjected in the media to much more than we ev-er wanted to know. To make matters even worse, it seems that a 15-year-old tape sent by Monica to the President, long believed destroyed, has resurfaced.

No longer is the author that apparently not-so-naive intern; she’s now 40 years old. We have to wonder, why on earth would she want to drag herself back through the mud? For the money? Is it really worth that? Some sources say she is bitter and wants revenge. If this is true, then this tell-all book is a perfect example of the boomerang effect of bitterness. Hubert Humphrey said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.”

We’ve all had things in our past that we’d just as soon forget. (I imagine this is one of those for Bill Clinton.) But those ghosts have a way of coming back to haunt us. It’s true, unfortunately, that some of the choices we make have lifetime consequences.

So what’s a person to do about making peace with the past?

1. Some try to “stuff it,” pretending it never happened. And yet the residue of the mistake has a way of rising to the top in “heated” and stressful times. Denial – even to oneself – creates an internal situation in which truth cries out to be noticed.

2. Some do like Monica. Now in fairness, I have to mention that she has tried other careers unsuccessfully first. But what she is doing in this latest endeavor is embracing a negative identity and defiantly capitalizing on it. Making a mistake versus living on in the identity of that mistake are two different things entirely.

3. The third and superior choice is to acknowledge the blunder, actively extract the lessons from it, get help to overcome it if you need to, and MOVE ON! If others don’t share that process with you and want to continue to criticize and harass you about it, MOVE ON FROM THEM, TOO!

The mistakes of a moment are not worth the surrender of a life!

TIPS ON PUBLIC SPEAKING

I love the privilege of speaking to and connecting with an audience, and I’m always trying to sharpen my skills. This morning at the National Speakers Association Conference, I was privileged to watch a master, Glenna Salsbury, coach some speakers on their stories and presentation style. Since public speaking is a fear many have, I thought you might like to hear some random tips I picked up as Glenna was coaching others.

1. When you pace, the audience loses your real energy. Too much movement is a distraction. Ground yourself, giving a sense that you are about to say something important. The more connected to the ground you are, the lower and more “real” your voice.

2. Stories, stories, stories – that’s what connects with the heart, and those things that connect with the heart are what people remember. When you have reached their hearts, they will get the knowledge part.

3. Speaking is about CONNECTING with people, not with entertaining.

4. Get there early and talk with people as they come in. Find out something about them, their challenges. You may refer to a particular person when you are speaking.

5. Collect your stories, keep a list of them. You’ll be able to look at that list and see how to illustrate a point with one of them.

6. Look one person in the eye as you talk (then another). Talk with that person as you would over coffee.

7. Tell a story with your whole being. Share details, take the person there, help them FEEL it with you.

THE POPE’S DRIVER: WHEN YOU BLOW A BIG OPPORTUNITY

Photo credit SkyNews.

This week a wrong turn created an interesting turn of events. In the Pope’s visit to Rio, he was riding in a car, not in the traditional “Pope-mobile.” His driver accidentally went the wrong way, taking the Pontiff out of the prescribed, secure route and into an area where he was virtually unprotected as the surprised and amazed throngs in the streets crowded around his vehicle. Thankfully, he was not hurt. In fact, he took the opportunity to enjoy the detour and bless the crowds. However, a security expert in a Today Show interview stated, “This was a security nightmare.”

Now I can only imagine how that driver must have felt. This was his big chance, the pinnacle of his career as a driver. HE had been chosen to drive the Pope himself! Who wouldn’t be totally excited about this opportunity? I can picture him bragging to his wife and neighbors that HE would be the best driver the Pontiff had ever had. He was going to do this right!

Then, who knows what happened? Was it the distraction of the crowds? Was it the anxiety of the moment?

It was one of those things – we’ve all had them – when the moment you do it, you know, this is bad…really bad. But you can’t take it back. You just have to deal with it as it is.

But first, your life flashes before your eyes, as his must have. In that moment, he must have “known” beyond a doubt that his career was O-V-E-R!!I can hear him thinking,”My wife is gonna kill me. I can hear her now: ‘You NEVER ask for directions!'” In his mind, he can picture his pesky mother-in-law whining to his wife, “See! I told you that you shouldn’t have married him!”

Have you ever “been there?” You finally get that big opportunity: the job position or assignment you always wanted, your dream relationship, or your time in the spotlight. And for whatever dumb reason, you blow it. Furthermore, you feel that you’ve made a permanent mess – not just of this situation, but of your life. You believe it is O-V-E-R!!

Well, I have good news for the Pope’s driver and for you. It’s never over. Don’t thrown in the towel mentally or withdraw physically. You can work through it if you hang in there and don’t quit.

The interesting thing is, the way you deal with a lollapalooza of a mess-up can actually be a positive turning point for you. Who knows how the Pope’s driver will recover? How soon will he actually be able to find humor in it? (The sooner the better.) Will he have the courage to face his mistake head-on and learn from it so that something like this never happens again?

Will you?

FINDING HAPPINESS (PART 5)

Are you a happy person? We’re wrapping up this series on happiness today. After you’ve finished this post, I’d love to hear your take on what causes or contributes to happiness in your own life. I always appreciate any of your comments.

Here are the answers to the last three questions on the happiness quiz.

___12. Most people become happier when they compare themselves with others, seeing themselves as superior.

This one is a lollapalooza when it comes to happiness and, I might add, to self-esteem. You walk into a room and scan it to see how you look in comparison to others. What you discover in that search determines how confident you feel as you interact with people. No matter how much you achieve, you still don’t compare to…(fill in the blanks) You get a promotion and raise, but you still don’t seem to be as “successful” (in quotes because success is a lot more than money or position) as …”

Comparison-based worth is deadly. No matter how much you have of whatever it is, there’s always someone with more. Millionaires can make themselves miserable when they look at multi-millionaires. Paupers can be happy – UNTIL they see another person in their downtrodden neighborhood who is doing better. When you buy into the system of judgment by comparison, you are doomed to unhappiness.

Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to others?

___ 13. Facebook and other social media are adding to our happiness.

If you are like 60% of the people in a Time Magazine poll, you do not feel better about yourself after spending time on social media. Why do you think this is? The Time researchers found that a contributor is the fact that 1.1 billion people on Facebook and half a billion on Twitter can “mainline their god times – their new care, their big house, their vacation that you’d have to save 10 years to take – straight to your brain.” Interestingly, though social media causes those comparisons with others to kick in, 76% believe that other people “make themselves look happier, more ttractive, and more successful tan they actually are on their Facebook page.”

What are your thoughts about the effects of social media on us?

___ 14. When you have bad circumstances in your life that are outside your control, of course, you will be unhappy. There’s not a lot you can do about it.

This one is absolutely false. In fact, I wrote the book on this one. In my book, “This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen to Me,” I detail what I believe to be the 10 major choices that you have when life throws you a curve ball. Some allow adversity to make them bitter or take them under. Still others not only make it through to the other side, they learn, grow, and become stronger because of the experiences.

So how shall we sum up this discussion about happiness? I’ll say this. If you desperately and passionately pursue happiness, you probably will never be able to grab and keep it. If instead you pursue purpose, seek strong connections with people, and practice resilience in tough times – happiness will find you.